Saturday, May 29, 2010

Breaking News: Science Confirms Mike Francesa Is In Fact The World's Biggest Douche

Douchebaggery has always been a tricky and inexact science.  There have been conflicting theories on how to even measure the trait.  For many years the Federline/Pratt method was the preferred method though in recent years the Jersey Shore method has garnered favor in the scientific community.  However today scientists it M.I.D. (The Massachusetts Institute of Douchebaggery) have discovered a new formula that will be able to calculate douchiness to within 99.98% accuracy.  They call it the Francesa method.

Rachel Paige of M.I.D. explains, "We struggled for so many years because we couldn't find specimen zero.  We needed the gold standard.  A specimen of pure unadulterated D-baggery.  We were about to give up when one of the research assistants turned on the YES network.  We knew instantly that the search was over."

According to Paige, Francesa presents the perfect storm of ego, fear, pride, disdain and ignorance all wrapped up in the body of Godfather Brando with the voice of On The Waterfront Brando.  The institute plans to honor him but when they informed him of their find he just did that sort of passive aggressive thing where he totally sucks up the compliment while making it sound as if he doesn't really care.  Then he hung up on them.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Though we wish this one were true. And now I would like to break character for a moment:

Mr. Francesa,  

A shot at one blogger is a shot at all bloggers and our art form.  While we may not have your pulpit and your influence it does not mean we do not have the right to enjoy sports the way we want to.  For years you have tried to suck the joy out of NY sports with your holier than thou attitude and we no longer have to be a slave to it.  Fans have options now and that scares you.  Don't be scared Mikey.  We don't bite.  Well not all of us anyway. 

Randy "The Apple" Medina

Sorry for the lecture but it was on my mind.  We will return to absolute nonsense on Monday.  Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and thank you all for your support.

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