Tuesday, July 27, 2010

National Weather Service Issues Douchebag Storm Warning For Flushing

If you are heading out to Citi Field tonight you may want to prepare yourself.  This morning, the National Weather Service issued a Douchebag Storm Warning for the Citi Field Area tonight between the hours of 4PM - 10PM.  Weather expert Brick Tamland explains what we can expect.

"This storm is actually a larger version of the a-hole storms we see here throughout the summer every year.  You'll get the occasional shower of boos and derisiveness but those usually come and go.  This is something different.  Something of this magnitude hasn't been seen since in this area since June of 2008.  Using the Francesa barometer, we could be looking at level 7 event on the Federline/Pratt scale!"

What can we expect you ask?

"If things keep up this way, this is going to get ugly.  You can expect, multiple acts of classlessness, vulgarity, scapegoating, conspiracy theories and general overreaction."

How do these storms form?

"They tend to build slowly among those overly invested in their team.  Then they hit the airwaves and enter into the talk radio jet stream.  This powerful current boosts the system and before you know it, seemingly ordinary people get sucked up into the D-Bag vortex."

Is there any way to stop it?

"The only thing that can slow down a storm of this magnitude is a firing, any firing.  Those seem to help.  Generally, the larger the firing the more calming the effect.  We had been watching this system closely since Sunday and hoping there would be a firing to calm things, but when Monday passed we knew we had to issue a warning."

Who is most at risk?

"Families, children, the elderly & people who just want to enjoy a baseball game and not have their whole life depend on it.  These groups should avoid the Citi Field at all costs."

You've been warned.

Stay tuned to The Apple for continuing coverage of this breaking story.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.


  1. Boooooooooo. Boooooooooo. Horrible post. This team deserves what they get tonight. Another empty summer. Thanks guys! And sorry for all of us who tend to look forward to the baseball season as a diversion from our everyday, pressure-packed lives.....our bad...Booooooooooo!

  2. As a diversion from life? You're misunderstanding. I'm more concerned with the "substitute for a life" crowd. The mutants that those of us WHO ACTUALLY GO TO GAMES have to deal with. Undoubtedly, tonight I will end up sitting in front of some guy who's to afraid to talk to a woman, but will have no problem trying to start a lame "Fire Jerry/Omar/The Easter Bunny" chant all game long.

    People can boo all they want, they always do. But there will be an obnoxiousness there tonight and for the foreseeable future that's gonna make the team and the fanbase look bad.

  3. I think the people that complain should sit back and think a moment. For every team that wins, there has to be teams that lose. A team just cannot possibly win all the time. If you are a fan, a true fan, you support your team no matter what is going on. IF you hate it that much, then support a different team, plain and simple. Don't call yourself a Mets fan, if you can't deal with some loses. If you cry over every "bad" game, then you deserve to remain misrable. It is a GAME, people. The team winning is not going to bring great meaning to your life. It is A GAME. Do you think the team is thinking, man I really want to make my fans unhappy and lose today. If anyone is going to need to get pissed, it is the organization themselves. All the money they invest, all the careers that are on the line... guess what... not your career and your large investments. Yes, you paid for a ticket... guess what! you didn't have to. They didn't tell you that in order to watch the game, you need to be there. It is called TV.. FREE... So try again. What else upsets you?
    Remember as a kid, you played games? They were fun, right? BASEBALL is a GAME... so why are you so involved in the politics that in the background and not enjoying the thing we call A GAME? What happened to having fun? If you are going to see them, enjoy.. so if they lose... guess what they will play again. It is not your mortgage on the line.. there are more seasons to come. People come and go.. so if your such a big FAN... DEAL WITH IT. Get a freak'n life.
    This is the examples you set for the future young fans.. "The Mets are losing. I hate them. I dont' want to watch anymore."

  4. Boooooooooooo! Boooooooooooooooooooo! Do you know how hard it's been to tell my son each morning that his group of "Heroes" failed miserably in their attempt to score more than 2 runs???? I have taught him NEVER to boo the home team, but everyone else is on their own....I'd have no problem with it. While they go back to their 50 acre homes and $20 million dollar penthouses, I will be sitting in my kitchen eating beans from a can again because I spent the grocery money on tickets to see the Mets get shutout AGAIN. Little Johnny won't give up....no...he'll be there til the end...he's only 4 and doesn't know any better. For the rest of us.....we can only hit our heads against a wall before we pass out.

  5. Anne Marie sounds like a Yankees fan!


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