Tuesday, July 27, 2010
National Weather Service Issues Douchebag Storm Warning For Flushing
"This storm is actually a larger version of the a-hole storms we see here throughout the summer every year. You'll get the occasional shower of boos and derisiveness but those usually come and go. This is something different. Something of this magnitude hasn't been seen since in this area since June of 2008. Using the Francesa barometer, we could be looking at level 7 event on the Federline/Pratt scale!"
What can we expect you ask?
"If things keep up this way, this is going to get ugly. You can expect, multiple acts of classlessness, vulgarity, scapegoating, conspiracy theories and general overreaction."
How do these storms form?
"They tend to build slowly among those overly invested in their team. Then they hit the airwaves and enter into the talk radio jet stream. This powerful current boosts the system and before you know it, seemingly ordinary people get sucked up into the D-Bag vortex."
Is there any way to stop it?
"The only thing that can slow down a storm of this magnitude is a firing, any firing. Those seem to help. Generally, the larger the firing the more calming the effect. We had been watching this system closely since Sunday and hoping there would be a firing to calm things, but when Monday passed we knew we had to issue a warning."
Who is most at risk?
"Families, children, the elderly & people who just want to enjoy a baseball game and not have their whole life depend on it. These groups should avoid the Citi Field at all costs."
You've been warned.
Stay tuned to The Apple for continuing coverage of this breaking story.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.
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