Dear Mets Ticket Holder,
The New York Mets understand that the ideal way to enjoy your major league team's season is to see it sign quality players, draft and develop others and play crisp tight heads-up baseball under the watchful eyes of astute management. Of course, we have none of that stuff going for us and as a result, most Mets fans are in a state of permanent disbelief at this point in the season. However, we ask that you don't completely give up on 2010. We have compiled a few suggestions from our staff to help you find some enjoyment from what is left of this season.
The brochure lists many ways to find some small pleasure in this season. Here are a few.
WHY NOT MOCK JOHN STERLING? - A real die hard Mets fan detests the Yankees and everything they stand for (like winning, class, unlimited payroll etc.). So in this technique you need to keep your eye on the out of town scoreboard. After all that's what they invented the internet for. When the Yanks are within one or two outs of losing a game turn on the radio. When the final out is recorded shout happily, "The Yankees lose, THE YANKEES LOSE!!!!"
IT COULD BE WORSE - Mets fans think that the Wilpons are the worst owners in the universe. But when you think of it, they're not even the worst owners in the city of New York. Imagine if the team was owned by Jim Dolan, he of the eternal love affairs with Isiah Thomas and Glen Sather. Now if the Knicks and Rangers are your teams in the NBA and the NHL respectively you might have to temper your solace.
WHY NOT ENJOY A METS DRINKING GAME? - When Keith is in the booth with Gary you can get extra enjoyment out of a telecast by taking a shot of your favorite liquor every time either of them uses the term "RED HOT." You may not take a swig if they just say "HOT" but fear not since neither of them ever uses that word without "RED" in front of it. You may take bonus swigs each time there is a Seinfeld reference made on the air or if Keith talks about someone's level swing.
WHY NOT CREATE YOUR OWN RACES - Think of the Mets as 25 individuals and create small pointless races for them to compete in. Who will lead the team in homers? Will Angel Pagan finish the season over .300? Who will finish second to David Wright in the race for most strikeouts? Will R.A. Dickey go coyote hunting with me after the season?
WHY NOT PLAY WHERE'S OLLIE? - The Mets organization has gone to great lengths to hide Oliver Perez. In this version of the Where's Waldo game, players try to spot Oliver Perez anytime the cameras turn towards the Mets bullpen. You have to have excellent concentration as he has become close to unfindable out there. Look fast and see if you can be the first in your group to spot Ollie. Bonus points are awarded if he has an actual ball in his hand.
The brochure goes on for several pages. Suggestions range from activities like checking the disabled list for rival players, to games like trying to eat a meal at Citi for under $20. Of course the brochure ends with a reminder that ticket plans for the 2011 season go on sale in just 3 months.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina