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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Minaya Gets Vote Of Confidence From An Unlikely Source

At least one potential free agent is backing Omar Minaya.  On Tuesday, Braves 3rd Baseman Chipper Jones called Omar "a shining light for veterans looking for bloated contracts." 

Though under contract with Atlanta through 2012 and seriously considering retirement, the Braves slugger has not ruled out bringing his talents to Flushing in 2013. 

"If Omar is still there it is something I would deeply consider.", said Chipper.  "I have always enjoyed Queens and my kids are getting older and college isn't getting any cheaper.  One of Omar's famous 'pay you for what you did 10 years ago' contracts might be just what I need when I am in my 40's."

For the record, Chipper's children Shea Jones and Citi Field Jones both support the move.

Omar Minaya also supports the idea.  "The guy has proven that he can beat you in so many ways.", said Minaya. "We would love to have that kind of pedigree on our team.  Also, I think our world class medical staff can extend his career by 4 years.  Just like they did with Luis." 

Jeff Wilpon was reluctant to talk to us but he eventually told us, "If Omar is still here in 2013, he has my full support to sign Chipper Jones."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Mets Manager Manuel Wonders Why His Name Is Not Being Mentioned In Connection With Cubs Job

The internet has been flooded with rumors of how the Cubs may want to replace Lou Piniella with another manager sporting a Yankee pedigree, Joe Girardi.

At this point it appears unlikely that Girardi will make the jump from the Big Apple to the Windy City.

An obviously delusional Jerry Manuel collared some sportswriters asking why his name hasn't been connected with the Cubs job.

"I've kept my team around .500 the whole season," said Manuel who noted that the Cubs are about 20 games below the break even mark.

He went on, "And I've done it with a short roster. You call having Oliver Perez on the team an asset?  How about what I am dealing with at 2B?  Sure, we ditched Cora but that just left us with the kid Tejada and old Luis over there."

Manuel pooh-poohed Girardi's accomplishments. "Sure, give me a guy like Robby Cano at second and an actual 25th player to use and I'll show you some impressive managing too."

Manuel talked like he expected to be and deserved to be a hot commodity on the free agent managerial list come October.
 
Asked if he'd want to bring his coaching staff along with him Manuel replied, "I think I have the best group of coaches in the bigs. I can't imagine what our offense would have been like without the steady hand of Howard Johnson. And can that Dan Warthen ever take a meeting on the mound? I still can't figure out what he's saying to those Japanese guys but he gets his message over. Doesn't he?"

"If the Wilpons and Omar want me back, of course I'll listen. But it's possible I'll be a better fit somewhere else. Chicago's one town but I expect there will be a bunch of openings. Heck, I see that some teams never ask their position players to bunt. I can fix that in no time."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Mets Players Boycott Bats As An Act Of Solidarity With Fans

Boycotts have been the talk of Metsville this week.  On Wednesday, one group led by Taryn Cooper of the blog My Summer Family held the Mets Fan Citi Field Sit Out with hopes of sending a message to the ownership.  Here at The Apple, we're not sure if the front office is listening but the players have clearly heard the message.

On Thursday night, several Mets players joined the cause and boycotted their bats.  As a sign of solidarity with the beleaguered fan base, these players (led by Ruben Tejada) will no longer bring a bat with them to the the plate.  These players will now attempt to get on base solely through the power of good intentions.  Ironically, many sabremetricians expect that this will actually lead to an improvement for a player like Tejada by virtue of the fact that he will no longer be able to ground out weakly.

But not every player on the Mets has been so quick to jump on the bandwagon.  Third baseman David Wright explained his reluctance to join the cause after the Mets 11-4 loss to the Marlins.  "I am in one of my hot streaks right now.", said Wright.  "I need these hot streaks so that at the end of the year my stats look somewhat impressive and I can continue to pose as one of the best hitters in the league.  I will boycott my bat next week when I'm scheduled to go hitless anyway."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Players Union Files Grievance Against The Mets For Unfair Treatment Of Oliver Perez

Perez works a shift at the Citi Field dunk tank
On Wednesday morning, the Major League Baseball Players Association filed a grievance against the Mets for what they termed unfair treatment of a player under contract.

For those unfamiliar with the situation, after refusing to accept a minor league assignment, the Mets have banished pitcher Oliver Perez to the bullpen using him only as an absolute last resort.  Upset with his poor performance after signing a large contract the Mets have adopted an "out of sight, out of mind" policy with the lefty.

Perez sells oranges outside of Citi Field
While this may not be the best situation for the pitcher, this is not the problem the union has with the Mets.  What has the MLBPA so upset is that recently the Mets have taken to assigning Perez some strange and often degrading tasks around Citi Field.  The tasks have ranged from embarrassing tasks, like manning the dunk tank, to downright racist tasks like selling oranges outside Citi Field.

The grievance by the union would seek financial penalties against the Mets if they continue this treatment.  The Mets argue that they are already paying a 3-year, 36 million dollar penalty and anything the MLBPA imposes would pale in comparison.

A protest group calling themselves People for the Ethical Treatment of Ollie, or P.E.T.O for short, had staged a protest outside of Citi Field before yesterday's game but the protest was called off after only two people, one being Oliver himself, showed up.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

MLB Pulls Controversial Advertisement For Tonight's Mets Game

This morning Major League Baseball has decided to pull an advertisement for tonight's Mets/Marlins game at Citi Field.  The advertisement, which highlights tonight's pitching match-up of Dickey vs. Johnson was deemed too suggestive and prompted several groups to call the MLB to complain.

The source of the controversy seems to be a baseball bat and balls that some NYC residents believe is meant to symbolize a penis.  "My kids walk by that thing every morning and ask me 'Daddy why does that bat have testicles?'", says one resident of Douglaston.  "What am I supposed to say to them?"

The advertising agency responsible for the ad had this to say in a statement on their website:

We regret any discomfort that the ad may have caused.  Please note that any resemblances are purely coincidental.  We worked long and hard on this project.  Our design staff really bent over backwards and we rode them hard to get this thing done by deadline.  We thought we had pulled it out in the end but we see now that we may need to do a little more Q.A. on these things going forward.  It was never our intention to be in your face with our work and shove this thing down the throats of NYC residents.  We are deeply sorry.

Starting this morning workers will begin removing the posters from subway stations and bus stop shelters all over New York City with the exception of the West Village where the ad has been a huge hit. 

For the Mets, this is the second time their knuckleballer has caused some controversy.  Earlier this season the Mets were forced to cancel a Dickey promotional night due to a factory error.  Despite the controversy, the Mets remain optimistic that tonight's game will draw a large crowd and they urge fans to come on out to Citi and have a ball...or two.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mets Send Out Brochure Of Alternative Ideas For Fans

While not yet officially eliminated from contention, most Mets fans have turned their attentions to the 2011 team or to other interests altogether.  Eager to combat this, the Mets have sent out a brochure to season ticket and plan holders that describes a few ways that fans can still get some enjoyment from the season.  The mailer, entitled "We Believe In Creative Alternatives To Winning" reads as follows: 

Dear Mets Ticket Holder,

The New York Mets understand that the ideal way to enjoy your major league team's season is to see it sign quality players, draft and develop others and play crisp tight heads-up baseball under the watchful eyes of astute management.  Of course, we have none of that stuff going for us and as a result, most Mets fans are in a state of permanent disbelief at this point in the season.  However, we ask that you don't completely give up on 2010.  We have compiled a few suggestions from our staff to help you find some enjoyment from what is left of this season.  

The brochure lists many ways to find some small pleasure in this season.  Here are a few.

WHY NOT MOCK JOHN STERLING? - A real die hard Mets fan detests the Yankees and everything they stand for (like winning, class, unlimited payroll etc.). So in this technique you need to keep your eye on the out of town scoreboard. After all that's what they invented the internet for. When the Yanks are within one or two outs of losing a game turn on the radio. When the final out is recorded shout happily, "The Yankees lose, THE YANKEES LOSE!!!!"


IT COULD BE WORSE - Mets fans think that the Wilpons are the worst owners in the universe. But when you think of it, they're not even the worst owners in the city of New York. Imagine if the team was owned by Jim Dolan, he of the eternal love affairs with Isiah Thomas and Glen Sather. Now if the Knicks and Rangers are your teams in the NBA and the NHL respectively you might have to temper your solace.

WHY NOT ENJOY A METS DRINKING GAME? - When Keith is in the booth with Gary you can get extra enjoyment out of a telecast by taking a shot of your favorite liquor every time either of them uses the term "RED HOT." You may not take a swig if they just say "HOT" but fear not since neither of them ever uses that word without "RED" in front of it. You may take bonus swigs each time there is a Seinfeld reference made on the air or if Keith talks about someone's level swing.


WHY NOT CREATE YOUR OWN RACES - Think of the Mets as 25 individuals and create small pointless races for them to compete in. Who will lead the team in homers?  Will Angel Pagan finish the season over .300?  Who will finish second to David Wright in the race for most strikeouts? Will R.A. Dickey go coyote hunting with me after the season?

WHY NOT PLAY WHERE'S OLLIE? -  The Mets organization has gone to great lengths to hide Oliver Perez.  In this version of the Where's Waldo game, players try to spot Oliver Perez anytime the cameras turn towards the Mets bullpen.  You have to have excellent concentration as he has become close to unfindable out there. Look fast and see if you can be the first in your group to spot Ollie.  Bonus points are awarded if he has an actual ball in his hand.

The brochure goes on for several pages.  Suggestions range from activities like checking the disabled list for rival players, to games like trying to eat a meal at Citi for under $20.  Of course the brochure ends with a reminder that ticket plans for the 2011 season go on sale in just 3 months.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Today's story written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina

Friday, August 20, 2010

Two Taco Bell Sauce Packet Actors Die Of Embarrassment During Mets Game

Houston Police Respond To The Scene Of Yesterday's Tragedy
Well here's one you can't blame on Omar Minaya or Jerry Manuel.  Tragedy struck last night at Minute Maid Park when two participants in Major League Baseball's dumbest promotion died last night during the Mets / Astros game.  The Houston Coroner's Office has released very few details but the apparent cause of death appears to be embarrassment. 

Billy Scott, of the Coroner's Office, spoke with us briefly.  "Usually in these cases heat stroke is to blame.", said Scott. "But we've checked the suits and they were sufficiently ventilated.  We believe it was simply the embarrassment of having to participate in this kind of nonsense."   As for the location of the collapse?  Scott has his own theory.  "I think they saw the Mets and realized that they were making fools of themselves for an organization that has a worse record than the Mets and it just became too much to take."

The Taco Bell Sauce Packet Race has come under fire lately as the stupidest ballpark promotion in the Major Leagues.  The race was long regarded as the second dumbest promotion behind the Citi Field race of Arpielle Construction Equipment but the Mets canceled that promotion last season when the Citi Field employee in charge of the race committed suicide to avoid subjecting any more fans to that farce.  

A memorial service will be held at the Taco Bell at 1817 South Shepherd Drive in Houston.  Fans who mention the tragedy at the register will receive a complimentary Cantina style taco.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wright Falls Ill After Seeing How Far Away From The Plate He's Been Standing

On Wednesday night David Wright had to leave the game due to bouts of nausea.

Often times, the cause of nausea relates to something one's eaten. When the Mets' crack medical staff queried the third baseman about what he'd eaten earlier in the day they found that there was nothing new or out of the ordinary in his recent diet. The staff fought back the temptation to call it a concussion even though that's their default position on bloodless injuries.

Further probing revealed that Wright had spent several hours before the game with Howard Johnson on Hojo’s new Ipad.  He said that they watched several complete Mets games and all of  Wright's last 30 at bats.

Hojo explains that Wright, who usually avoids video, became agitated and accusatory.  “He kept telling me that I was using trick photography and that the video wasn’t real.”, says Johnson.  “When I showed him several different games he accused me of playing the same game over and over.”

According to Hojo, Wright said, "If this is true, why didn't anyone ever mention that I have been standing about 50 feet away from home plate? I couldn't hit an outside pitch standing there if I had a fishing pole."

Wright dismissed the video but later admitted that watching his recent play in the field and at the plate in all likelihood was what made him sick.

"Hojo brought that stupid thing to the dugout and was playing video while I was at the plate.  That was it for me", said Wright. "I started to think about how stupid I must have looked and that there are millions of people who pay money to watch it.  People pay hard-earned money for these tickets and I’m practically standing in the on-deck circle.  I was mad at Hojo, I was embarrassed and finally I just got sick."

Mets management feels Wright may be putting too much pressure on himself.  He has been ordered to spend a week with Ollie Perez to learn how not to care about expectations.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Today's story written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina

If you enjoy Larry's work with the Apple you can follow him on Twitter @dr4sight

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Desperate Mets Turn To Broadcasters / Bloggers For Relief...Literally

With their season spiraling out of control, the Mets are looking for help anywhere they can get it.  Even if that means they have to look in some strange places.  With their closer gone and their minor league call-ups offering little help, the Mets today announced that they have purchased the contracts of Kevin Burkhardt and Matt Cerrone.  If you've never heard of these players you would be right.  This is because they are not players at all.  Burkhardt is SNY's roving reporter during Mets broadcasts while Cerrone hosts the Verizon Fan Poll segments and runs the popular website Metsblog.com.

"We got a point where we just feel we've exhausted all traditional options.", said Mets GM Omar Minaya.  "I've seen Kevin on TV and he is very versatile.  He can beat you in so many ways.  Whether it's doing a serious interview or eating a shackburger for Keith Hernandez's amusement.  I don't think he'll have a hard time making the adjustment.  We expect him to be closing games for us when the team returns on Tuesday."

Matt Cerrone will serve a different purpose.  According to Minaya, Cerrone was added to serve as Burkhardt's personal catcher and help ease his transition.  The move also gives the Mets a third catcher which will give Jerry Manuel even more opportunities to misuse his bench, a fan favorite.  Minaya sites one other reason, "The guy kind of looks like Paul LoDuca so that's a good thing."

Burkhardt and Cerrone are scheduled to be activated Tuesday.  Despite having no baseball experience, the duo does not seem worried.  "I doubt we'll see much action.", says Burkhardt.  "You figure there will be about 35 games left at that point.  How many leads will this team even have to close.  I expect I will only pitch twice if at all." 

"I think our role will really just be to warm up in the pen", adds Cerrone.  "It's really important to Jerry to have his "closer" up five or six times in a game.  It calms him."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Mets Agree To Terms With WR Victor Cruz

Reeling from the loss of their closer amid bizarre circumstances, the Mets made an unconventional move on Tuesday morning coming to terms with New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz.  The full terms of the deal have not been disclosed but reports are saying it is in the 3 year, 45 million dollar range.  If these reports are true, it would mean the Mets are making Cruz the highest paid non-baseball player on a major league roster.

Omar Minaya explains the thinking of the team.  "We are struggling right now.", said Minaya. "We were unable to do anything at the trade deadline so I have been looking for alternate ways to help the team.  This is about as alternate as you can get."

In the end, the deal may not matter because the whole thing is contingent on Cruz not making the Giants opening day roster.  A possibility that became less likely after Cruz put on a show on Monday Night Football last night, torching the Jets reserve secondary for 3 TD's in the latter stages of the game. 

Despite the odds being against him, Minaya is excited at the possibility. "This guy has great speed and even better hands.  He really can beat you in so many ways.", said Minaya.  When The Apple asked the Mets GM whether he may be putting too much stock on one pre-season performance, Minaya responded, "Oh I didn't see the game.  I've never actually seen him play.  I just heard his name was Victor Cruz and I knew I had to sign him."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Mets Plan To Replace Left Field Railing With Army Of Zack Hamples

The Mets almost saw their only victory of the weekend slip away on a controversial HR call which involved a fan leaning over the railing in left field.  Not content to let something like that happen again, the Mets have put a plan in place to change things.

Deep under Citi Field is a room the size of a football field.  Lining the walls of this room are rows and rows of glass chambers.  Inside each chamber lies a shadowy figure holding a glove.  The Mets tell us that in 6 months, they will have an army of Zack Hample clones to patrol their left field wall.  The Hample army would ruthlessly suck up any balls hit anywhere near the orange line and render the need for replay unnecessary.   Raul Ibanez will have to wave his finger in some other ballpark.

For those unfamiliar with Hample, he is the self proclaimed "ballhawk" who has caught several thousand baseballs over the last decade or so.  When Carlos Beltran blasted the last homer at Shea in 2008, it was Hample who was waiting in the bleachers to make the catch.

So how did it come to be that the Mets came into possession of their own private army of Hamples?  The idea apparently came to Mets GM Omar Minaya after watching the movie The Island.  The Mets were able to secure a sample of Hample's DNA and set up their cloning operations deep below the ballpark.   The plan will cost an estimated 250 million dollars and will be ready in May of 2011.  The alternative would have been to move the fences in two feet or down 5 feet which would have cost an estimated 250 thousand dollars.  The Mets believe they made the right choice.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Mets Brass Hopes Unorthodox K-Rod Punishment Sends Message To The Team

On Wednesday, Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez was arrested on third degree assault charges after a family argument about the Senior Stroll turned violent.  Thursday, the Mets handed down their punishment, a two game suspension.  Some around the team felt that the suspension was too lenient and that because the incident took place in the stadium in front of player's family members, the Mets needed to send a stronger message.

To calm those voices, the Mets announced today that the suspension is just the beginning of K-Rod's punishment.  Mets president Dave Howard explains.  "You have to send a strong message to these guys that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.", says Howard.  "The suspension is a start but he owes this whole team an apology and we think this additional punishment is the best way."

The punishment Howard is describing involves K-Rod reporting to the clubhouse early today to write "I am sorry I beat up my father in law." one thousand times in both English and Spanish on the clubhouse chalkboard.  To protect their investment, the Mets closer will have to write lefty so as not to use his pitching hand.

While the punishment may seem a bit juvenile, some players can attest to the effectiveness of the method.  "I worked for me.", said Jeff Francoeur, who earlier this year had to write "I will not describe my hitting as a laser show'' one thousand times.  "I'll never do that again."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Breaking News: K-Rod Family Fist Fight Sparked By Argument Over Mets Senior Stroll

By now you've heard about K-Rod's little dust up with a family member on Wednesday night.  What you haven't yet heard is what the started the whole ruckus.  Well thankfully The Apple has talked to some witnesses and has the whole story.

We spoke to the wife of one of the Mets players who was in the family lounge and heard the commotion unfolding.  "It was mostly in Spanish but I took 2 years of Spanish in high school and I think I made out most of it.", said the woman did not wish to be identified so we'll only refer to as the wife of a Mets knuckleballer.    "Apparently, this one gentleman was adamant about going on the field.  He was already talking about it before Frankie got here."

Our source explains that when Rodriguez entered the room, already agitated, the man started asking when he was going to go on the field for the Senior Stroll.  Apparently, Frankie tried to explain to him that the stroll was not till Thursday and that he couldn't go on the field tonight.  The man became agitated.  K-Rod, getting angrier himself, explained that because there was a day game it was very important that the grounds crew be allowed to work.

When that failed to placate the man, the Mets reliever pointed out that at 53, his father-in-law was not even eligible for the stroll.  This set off the man who was heard saying, "If my daughter was married to Mariano, this wouldn't happen."

Apparently this was the last straw as Rodriguez lost his temper and the two began a shoving match that spilled out into the hallway before being broken up by police. Rodriguez was taken into custody while his father-in-law was taken to the hospital to be treated for a few minor bumps.

K-Rod was unavailable for comment.  The Senior Stroll is still scheduled for this afternoon whether permitting.  There is no word on whether Rodriguez's father-in-law will attend.
 
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A Day With Fred Wilpon - Part 2: Dinner And A Movie

In case you missed it, The Apple's investigative reporter Larry Smith spent a day tailing Mets owner Fred Wilpon.  When we last saw Fred Wilpon, he was having some issues with his alarm clock.  Today we pick up the action at Matthew's Steak House, an establishment that used to be good, but now the underwhelming quality and service don't nearly justify the high prices.  This is Wilpon's favorite restaurant. Our reporter managed to disguise himself as a waiter and overheard this exchange a few minutes after Wilpon's sirloin steak order was delivered.

Mrs. W: How's your steak?

Fred: The first few bites were good but here in the middle it's kind of grizzled and chewy. The last part is actually awful.

Mrs. W: But then why are you still eating it?

Fred: I'm paying for a full steak so I'm eating a full steak. I would think that you know this about me by now.

Mrs. W: Why do we even come here anymore?

Fred: This place used to be good.  Sure we could spend a little more and go to a Zagat rated place but if we just keep coming here as much as possible the food will turn around and this place will be good again.  When that happens, we'll look like geniuses.

Mrs. W:  Can we just go to the movie?

Fred: Sure, let me just choke down these last two bites.

Our reporter catches up to the Wilpon's on line at the movies.  Apparently Fred got suckered out of $500 in a three-card monty game outside the cineplex.  Smith overhears this exchange:

Fred:  I don't know what went wrong.  It seemed like such a sure thing. 

Mrs. W: You know those games are fixed, right?

Fred:  No way.  That other guy was winning like crazy.

Mrs. W: I'm pretty sure they knew each other.  They left in the same car!

Fred:  You're just being paranoid. Let's just try to enjoy the movie.

Mrs. W:  What are we seeing anyway?

Fred: Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Mrs. W: Is that really the best movie out? 

Fred:  Well we could see Inception but it would cost a dollar extra.  You see, I got this coupon on the back of my box of Minay-O's cereal and we can save a dollar if we see the dog movie.

Mrs. W:  So you'd rather spend 15 dollars on a second rate movie instead of 16 on a blockbuster hit?

Fred: You bet.  And we're gonna stay for the whole thing no matter how bad it is.

Our insurance doesn't cover the emotional damage Cats and Dogs would have inflicted on him so Smith returned to Casa De Wilpon and waited for them to return.  When they did, he heard this:

Mrs. W:  Thank God that torture is over.  Fred, are you going to play golf in the morning?

Fred:  Absolutely. But we have a real early tee time. I have to be up by 7 to get there on time. Let me just set this alarm clock...

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Today's story written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina

Monday, August 9, 2010

Minaya Fires Back At Upstart Howard Megdal

Possibly reinvigorated by the recent vote of confidence he received from Mets ownership, Omar Minaya has gone on the offensive against self proclaimed candidate for Mets general manager Howard Megdal.

Megdal has been aggressively campaigning for the general managers position and despite the job not actually being an elected position, Omar is not taking the challenge lightly.  "This Megdal guy can beat you in so many ways.", Minaya told The Apple.   "I can't just sit back and end up with another Adam Rubin situation.  I have to be aggressive with this guy."
  
True to his word, Minaya has gone on the offensive today, launching this attack ad against Megdal.



Megdal has been unavailable for comment but it would seem the battle for the GM job of the Mets has just gotten interesting.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

A Day With Fred Wilpon - Part 1: The Alarm Clock

According to Mets majority owner Fred Wilpon, Omar Minaya will be returning in 2011.

This is not a big surprise despite the mediocre record that the Minaya-constructed teams have produced.  It is in keeping with a team policy that players and front office people must complete their contracts despite the quality of their work.  Since seemingly no other organization seems so obstinate on this point, The Apple wonders whether Wilpon runs other aspects of his life the same way. 

We sent reporter Larry Smith to tail the senior Wilpon for a day and as usual he attacked the problem with zeal above and beyond the call.  Smith camped out under Wilpon's bedroom window with his handy stethoscope pressed up against it.  At 8:18am he heard a grinding alarm-like sound. It was Fred's alarm clock going off.   Mrs. Wilpon came in:

Mrs. W: Fred. I thought you wanted to be up by 7:30 for those early meetings you had scheduled.

Fred: It's this damn clock. It hardly ever works right. I bought it two years ago down at Boras' department store and it's been messed up ever since.

Mrs. W: Well why don't you throw it out and get a new one that works?

Fred: Oh, no. I paid full retail for that thing and I'm gonna get three years out of it if it kills me.

Mrs. W: If it doesn't work right then why don't you have it fixed?

Fred: I tried that. I used to bring it into Petersen's down the street. He used to be able to get it to work a bit.

Mrs. W: So bring it back to him.

Fred:  No can do. He moved his whole operation to Milwaukee. Now the place is run by some guy named Warthen.  I tried bringing stuff to him and the guy just talks your ear off but can't fix anything I bring him.  Believe it or not at one point he just suggested that I put the alarm clock in the closet and only bring it out if all of our other clocks have stopped working. What a dolt.

Mrs. W: By the way Fred your hair looks awful. It's too long and going in all sorts of directions. Maybe you should make time today to get a haircut.

Fred: Nope. I get my hair cut every four weeks down at Castillo's near the ballpark. It's only been two and half weeks since I was last there so I have to wait.

Mrs. W: Now that sounds ridiculous to me. Why wait? Go to another barber now.

Fred:   I am paid up for haircuts there every four weeks until October of 2011 so that's where I'm going. Waste not, want not, I always say.

Mrs. W: Are we still going to do dinner and a movie tonite?

Fred: Absolutely. Meet me at Matthew's Steakhouse at 6:30.

(To Be Continued)

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story written by Larry Smith.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Twitter Mocks Mets With Mr. Met Themed "Fail Whale" Graphic

Twitter, one of the biggest social networking sites on the web, decided to take a not so subtle jab at the New York Mets last night using their "fail whale" graphic.  For those of you unfamiliar with the fail whale, when Twitter gets overloaded the site displays a graphic featuring a whale being carried by birds.  Fans of the site have dubbed this the "fail whale". 

Last night, however, the site decided that the whale was not an appropriate enough symbol of failure so last night, when Twitter was over capacity, users were treated to this graphic:


Et tu Twitter?

Twitter has since gone back to their regular graphic and denies ever using this but The Apple knows the truth.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Like the Mr. Met Fail Whale? Wallpaper is available by clicking here.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Mr. Met Denying Involvement In Philadelphia "Shooting"

Philadelphia police questioned Mr. Met this morning about his alleged involvement in an incident at a Philly night spot last night.   While details are still coming to the surface, it appears that the apparent target was Phillies mascot, the Philly Phanatic.  

While police are still trying to piece together what happened, here's what we do know.  Last night, the Phanatic was celebrating the Phillies extra inning win over the Marlins with some friends at Chez Plushie.  At around 1:AM the Phanatic was standing outside having a smoke when a person or group of people drove by and opened fire with a t-shirt cannon.  The Phanatic was hit once in the "party favor".  Several patrons who were outside were also hit.  Injuries were described as minor.

Ryan Ashburn, 29, was at the club and describes the scene for us.  "I was outside the club and all of a sudden, you could hear Dj Otzi's "Hey Baby" playing somewhere in the distance.", says Ashburn.  "The music started getting closer and then you heard the tires screeching and next thing you knew, there were t-shirts flying everywhere."

Mr. Met is denying all involvement and is sticking by his story that he was at the McFaddens in Citi Field all night last night.  Police are skeptical as the mascot has a history with the Phanatic.  The two were suspended earlier this year after a brawl at the very same club.  Not helping the matter are new photos that are surfacing of Mr. Met with his "gang".  The photos show Mr. Met and his crew, which includes known Crip Snoop Dogg, brandishing their weapons menacingly. 

The investigation will remain open but police are not expecting many answers as these mascot types are notoriously tight lipped.  Stay tuned to The Apple for any further developments.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ousted From Rangers Bid, Mark Cuban Sets Sights On The Mets

Be careful what you wish for Mets fans, a new owner could be on the way.  When Major League Baseball chose Nolan Ryan's ownership group over Mark Cuban for the rights to own the Texas Rangers, Cuban was already thinking about plan B.  What is plan B you may ask?  The team in Flushing.

Cuban desperately wants to get into baseball, even if it means inheriting a team in turmoil.  Though there has been no confirmation, it has been rumored that during today's off day Cuban will sit down with the Wilpon/Okon ownership group to discuss the possibility of purchasing the struggling Mets.

While this may sound like a dream come true for Mets fans it is important to understand the full ramifications of a possible deal with Cuban.  For starters, Cuban's offer was blocked by the MLB in part because of some of the drastic changes he wanted to make to the Rangers brand.  A source in Cuban's office confirmed he has similar plans for the Mets.

"The first thing you can expect is a name change.  Mark saw a game you guys played in Milwaukee this year and fell in love with the uniforms.",  a source tells The Apple.  The uniforms in question are the New York Cubans Negro League jerseys.  Though he intends to keep the blue and orange,  Cuban intends to re-brand the Mets as the Cubans and use an updated version of the old jersey.  Additionally, Cuban's face would appear on the front of each jersey instead of a number.

Changes to the ballpark are to be expected as well.  The most notable change being the removal of the home run apple in center field.  The apple will be replaced by a large mechanical version of Cuban's head.  Cuban will rise up after a New York home run and taunt the opposing pitcher.  It is rumored that it will also pop up after a bad call and berate the umpires when necessary.

Despite today's meeting, a deal is not expected to be in place until after the end of the season.  Stay tuned to The Apple for in depth coverage of any further developments.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wilpon Hopes Nigerian Business Partner Can Put An End To Mets Financial Woes

It's been a tough couple of years for Fred Wilpon.  First he got burned by Bernie Madoff, then Spongetech, and most recently Madoff again.  While Wilpon insists this has nothing to do with the Mets, many fans feel that the team has suffered from the shockwaves of the owner's failed business dealings.   Wilpon hopes that speculation can begin to be put to rest today.

On Wednesday morning the Mets held a press conference to announce a new business partner.  The conference, a silver level event, introduced the press to Dr. Clement Okon, a deposed Nigerian Prince and top official of the Nigerian Government Contract Review Panel.

According to Wilpon, Okon will infuse the Mets with a hundred million dollars of additional spending flexibility and will allow the team to aggressively pursue top free agents in the off-season.  The funds will be available as soon as Wilpon wires Okon ten million dollars to cover a few legal costs involved with getting the money released.

Clement left the conference quickly once the deal was signed off on and was unavailable for comment.

Some Mets employees remain skeptical.  Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one employee told us, "I'm pretty sure it's a scam.  We have a guy who works here who was born in Nigeria and when he offered a traditional greeting, the guy had no idea what he was talking about.  Also I'm pretty sure that important Nigerian dignitaries don't ride around in a '94 Honda Accord with Maryland plates and a Nigerian flag taped to the door."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Mets Announce Unusual Promotion For Last Home Game

It appears the writing is on the wall, or at least the web, for Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel.  Earlier today a strange promotion appeared on Mets.com that appears to seal the fate of the beleaguered duo which we lovingly refer to as "Jerrynaya".

The promotion in question is called "Stuff From Jerry and Omar's Offices Day" and is scheduled for Sunday, October 3rd.  While the details are still sketchy, it appears that on that day, the first 25,000 fans in attendance will have the chance to take something from the office of either Manuel or Minaya.  Apparently, nothing is off limits as fans will have their pick of everything from office supplies to family photos.  All items will be authenticated by Steiner Sports and Major League Baseball.

The timing of the announcement comes as no surprise either as Jerrynaya is currently in Atlanta overseeing the mathematical end of the season.  It would appear that the Mets are hoping that by the time they return, this will be old news and the two may not even know about it until fans start showing up to take their stuff away.

Fan reaction so far has been largely positive.  One fan who called himself Eli from Brooklyn said that he hoped to take home the pen that signed off on the Castillo and Perez contracts, while Jennifer Joost told us she hopes to find the dart board that Manuel uses to make substitution decisions.

Calls to the Mets have gone unanswered but a source in the ticket office told The Apple that the game is already close to selling out.  To get your tickets call 718-507-TIXX and tell them you want to buy tickets to the "Stuff From Jerry and Omar's Offices Day" game that you read about on The Apple.

Do it.

We dare you.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Monday, August 2, 2010

Pete Rose Angered By Mets Hall Of Fame Snub

Pete Rose was at Citi Field on Sunday afternoon, and he wasn't disguising his feelings.  On a day when the Mets inducted four people into the Mets Hall of Fame, Rose's name was not on the list.  Why should Rose be inducted into the Hall of Fame of a team for which he never played you may ask?  According to Rose, who was effectively banned from baseball in 1989 and is ineligible to ever be inducted into the National Baseball Hall Of Fame, he feels that if he can get inducted into enough individual team halls of fame it may cause the MLB to revisit his ineligibility.  While a spokesperson for the MLB did admit that individual team halls of fame are a bit of a gray area, he called Rose's plan far fetched at best.

Rose explains that, in his own way, he is a part of every teams history.  "I may not have played for the Mets but I always followed their progress closely.", says Rose.  "On some nights, VERY closely."  Additionally, Rose feels that their is enough shared history to warrant inclusion.  "Buddy has a plaque up there and we once got into a fistfight on the field.  At the very least maybe have a plaque for the fistfight with my name next to his.  I'll take whatever I can get."

Eventually, Rose was asked to leave by Citi Field security after several guests complained that he was standing next to Bud Harrelson's plaque and telling people, "You know I punched that guy once.  Would you like an autograph?  Only ten bucks."

According to the Mets, the organization has no plans to honor Rose now or in the future and that he was only present because the team was hoping he might consider purchasing a season ticket plan.  With names like Alfonzo and Piazza being thrown around for 2011 honors, it would seem Mr. Rose has a long wait ahead of him.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  

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