After some investigation, I concluded that I was watching a bootlegged version of the film from Japan. I decided to shut off the TV and go see the film in an actual theater. Turns out it was a very entertaining film and much better than the version I was watching.
While I enjoyed the "real" Moneyball, I was upset that people could be so easily fooled into watching a fake. So in an effort to provide a public service, I decided to rewatch the bootleg DVD and compile a list of warning signs so that you, my readers, may be on guard for these pirated versions.
In the real Moneyball...
- ...there is no scene where the cameraman is approached by security and then takes the audience on an intense first person chase through the parking lot.
- ...the movie is in English.
- ...Billy Beane was not the GM for the Nippon-Ham Fighters.
- ...there is no scene where Peter Brand mercilessly beats Jared Leto to a pulp.
- ...Billy Beane is not desperate to win the World Series because he is slowly turning into an "old man baby".
- ...the A's don't win 103 games with the help of "Battling Seizure Robots"
- ...Scott Hatteberg was not played by Morgan Freeman.
- ...at no point in the movie do the 2002 Oakland A's, or anyone affiliated with them, kill Hitler.
- ...David Justice does not complain to Brand about the cost of Squid Drink in the clubhouse vending machine.
- ...there is no big twist ending in which we find out Beane and Brand are really the same person.
Additionally, the real Moneyball is currently only available in theaters. Anyone who approaches you while you're eating Nathan's at a shopping mall food court is not a licensed dealer no matter what they tell you. The same rule applies to guys with blankets on 34th street.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.