Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Box The Mets Should Have Sent Us

So the Mets sent me a big fancy box with my tickets and a watch in it.  While this stuff is all nice I wish they had sent this instead:

Opening Day WTF Moment: Mets Opener Beats Yankees Opener On Secondary Market

It's Opening Day...sorta.  In honor of that, The Apple Tickets has prepared this graphic showing how much the average ticket to your team's home opener is going for on the secondary market. So the next time some Yankees fan gets in your face you can tell them "Yeah you guys may always make the playoffs, but we pay more for tickets."  Take that Bombers.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bleacher Report Apologizes To The Apple...Via Slideshow

If you were on the site earlier you may have noticed I was a little miffed at Bleacher Report for copying one of my stories.  Well, the good people at Bleacher Report issued an apology this afternoon.  And because it's Bleacher Report, they apologized by slideshow.  Check it out:



OK, so that didn't really happen but this did:

Bleacher Report Rips Off The Apple, Calls It News

Apparently three disclaimers per page is not enough for the folks at Bleacher Report who took yesterday's BJ Club post and reported it as real news.  I use the term reported loosely because it seems like BR's "Mets Featured Columnist" just copied and pasted whole chunks of my story and stuck his name on it. At least they left my watermark on the image.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Exclusive: The Apple Has Obtained Ronny Paulino's Blood Work

This could be a problem.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Mets Forced To Re-Name Mr. Mets Landing After Controversy

It seems that even when the Mets have a good idea it still finds a way to go horribly wrong.  Last week the Mets announced that they were reserving two sections of the 300 level to serve as a special low cost section called Mr. Mets landing.  The move was initially praised as a way to make a trip to the ballpark more affordable for families but the good vibes would not last long.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Announcing The Apple's 1st Annual Opening Day Tailgate!

If you're already planning to attend the Mets home opener on April 8th, why not join The Apple and help us ring in the new season and celebrate our 1 year anniversary.  From 12 - 3PM The Apple will have it's AMAZING TAILGATING SETUP (i.e. a folding table and portable grill) set up in the Citi Field parking lot.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sticker Update: The First Transport Is Away

If you requested free stickers from The Apple last week your stickers are in the mail.  Right now stickers are on the way to loyal readers of The Apple in NY, NJ, AK, MS, VA, FL, TX and lots of other cool places.  I expect to see some pics from you guys after you get your stickers.

If you missed out on your free stickers there are three ways to get them.

1) Email me your name and address to readtheapple@gmail.com

or
3) Find me at The Apple's 1st Annual Opening Day Tailgate Party at Citi Field on April 8th.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Order your Brad Emaus Poster Today!


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Larry Smith Ponders What Sandy Alderson's Response To Luis Castillo's "Mistreatment" Allegation Would Be

It's been said that when you are upset at someone it is a good idea to write your grievances down in the form of a letter. Then put it away and look at it the following day. If you still entirely agree with what you had written then you should confront the other party either in person or by sending him/her the letter.

Luis Castillo has come out and said that the Mets mistreated him and didn't give him a fair chance to win the secondbase job this spring. I wondered what Sandy Alderson might write in the way of a letter to Luis in responding to the accusation. And would he send it the next day?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mets Name Lustin Emurphy Opening Day Second Baseman


Disheartened after weeks of watching a futile war of attrition for the second base job unfold at spring training, the Mets have changed tactics and named Lustin Emurphy the opening day second baseman.  Lustin, pronounced "loose tin" would be an amalgamation of the four leading candidates for the job.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Apple Lays Off 500 Employees In The Wake Of Perez/Castillo Releases

Workers showing up for work at the satirical Mets blog "The Apple" received an unpleasant surprise when they were greeted by a sign in the window simply saying "GO HOME. YOU ARE ALL FIRED".  According to sources, the release of it's two favorite punching bags Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo has left The Apple without any material.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Farewell Oliver Perez: The Apple's Oliver Perez Tribute Video

On March 21, 2011, news broke that Mets pitcher Oliver Perez was released. While this is a great move for the future of the Mets, this is terrible news for the future of The Apple as we have lost our favorite target. The Apple would like to take a moment to look back at the career of this true hero of comedy.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Free Stickers From The Apple And BuildASign

Thanks to the good folks over at BuildASign.com, I am currently in the possession of lots of "The Apple" stickers and I'm giving them away to all of you who "read The Apple" on a regular basis.  If you want a sticker just send your name and mailing address to me at readtheapple@gmail.com

Also, make sure to check out our friends at BuildASign.com who made all this possible.  They make everything from bumper stickers to vinyl banners.  They even made a huge "The Apple" banner which we'll talk more about later. 

Police Called In When Mets Fans Celebration Of Castillo's Release Turns Violent

All over New York on Friday, Mets fans celebrated the release of second baseman, and long time fan whipping boy, Luis Castillo.  While many of the celebrations were peaceful, in some parts of New York, things quickly turned ugly.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Who's On Second? Larry Smith Spies On Mets Front Office Meeting

Spring training games have gone on for two weeks now and the Mets still haven't officially named their starting secondbaseman. There has been so much speculation about this that Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, J.P. Ricciardi, and Paul Depodesta hopped on a plane the other day and flew down to Florida for a big confab with GM Sandy Alderson and Manager Terry Collins.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Mets Love Me...And You...And You...And You...And Anyone Else Who Can Fill Out An Online Form

It's official guys: The Mets love me!  And if you go to this web page, they will love you too!

Those loveable bastards over at Mets marketing have done it again.  They've created another super cheesy, chose-your-own-adventure type video where the Mets "personally" thank you for being their 10th man and take you on an adventure to get back all the McNuggets.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What Is It, Poke The Apple Day?

Everyone wants a piece of The Apple these days.  First Ceetar fired off a cheap shot yesterday and now Amazin' Avenue's Rob Castellano posts this!  Now I love Rob and all the guys over at AA but I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that The Apple was all over the Watson story a while ago.  Step your game up, Amazin Ave.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Link: Ceetar's Got Jokes

Looks like our buddy Ceetar over at Optimistic Mets Fan took a break from whatever MMORPG he's currently playing and actually posted on his "blog".  I enjoyed the picture but I suspect he had help.  There's no way he can make that pic and still have such a horribly designed header.  Check the post here.

Mets Fan Ready To Abandon 25% Of His Allegiance To Team


These are dark days for the New York Metropolitans. The ownership group known as Sterling Equities has made clear that it is willing, indeed anxious, to sell up to 25% of the team to raise funds that will allow the team to continue operating.

Carlos Beltran's knee apparently isn't going to make it through spring training, let alone a 162 game season. Jose Reyes is as good as gone by midseason. And now the most recent blow. Word is that Johan Santana might not pitch at all during the 2011 season and when he returns to pitching he might be just a shell of the brilliant ace the team thought it was paying top dollar for.

One Mets fan, 34 year old Brandon Russell of Manhattan has had enough. We caught up with Russell at a deli near his apartment. Here's what he told us.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Apple Goes Green For St. Patty's Day

Don't adjust your screens folks, there's nothing wrong with your computer.  In honor of St. Patty's day, The Apple will be sporting a green look until the 17th.  After that it will go back to blue...or maybe black just to piss off Shannon from MetsPolice.

Playstation's MLB The Show 11 Is Officially The Most Realistic Baseball Video Game Ever Made

When it comes to judging the level of realism in a baseball video game, I think most experts agree that how a game handles a player as terrible as Oliver Perez is the best test.  I fired up MLB 11 The Show for the Playstation this weekend to test it out.  After loading up a spring training game between the Mets and Braves and quickly scanned the ballpark to see if I could find Ollie.  Sure enough, there he is.  Right where he should be, sitting on the far end of the bullpen bench talking to himself.  Even virtual Taylor Tankersley clearly wants nothing to do with him.  Most realistic game ever!   Watch the video after the break.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Mets Tickets On Sale Now At The Apple


Just an update for you guys, The Apple has partnered with TiqIq to bring you The Apple Tickets.  The Apple tickets helps you find the exact tickets you want at the price you wanna pay.  Check it out here

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Winning: Best Wings In The Universe Are In...Scarsdale?

This has nothing to do with the Mets or humor so it's cool if you click away now and come back later.

Buffalo Wings From The Candlelight Inn

Still here? Cool. I rarely deal in truth on this blog and I even more rarely deal with food but in an effort to broaden my horizons, and be more like my idol Ted Berg, I've decided to share a little secret with you.  The world's best buffalo wings can be found in Scarsdale, NY.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Due To Visa Problems Mets Ronny Paulino Will Attend Spring Training Via Teleconference

Fitting in with a new team can often be difficult for a player in the Major Leagues.  The task is made doubly difficult when you are not allowed to be in the same country as your teammates.  This is the problem facing the newest Mets catcher Ronny Paulino.  Paulino's season ended inauspiciously last year when he was handed a 50 game suspension for violating the league's drug policy.  Now the Dominican backstop is having a hard time obtaining a Visa to re-enter the US, presumably related to the very same drug suspension.  In past years this may have been just another disaster for the Mets, but thanks to the Sandy Alderson regime, the team is making lemonade out of Paulino's lemons.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

ReadTheApple.com Founder Goes On Drunken Bender After Being Blocked By MLB Twitter Account

Sparks were flying yesterday at the offices of The Apple when founder Randy Medina discovered that the site's Twitter account had been officially blocked by Major League Baseball's Twitter account.  According to Larry Smith, Medina launched into an expletive filled tirade and spiraled into a full on bender of Sheentastic proportions with the first two porn stars he could find.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

R.A. Dickey's Pre-Game Facial Stretching Routine Starting To Creep Out Teammates

Mets fans love R.A. Dickey, and with good reason.  Besides being the Mets most reliable starter in 2010, Dickey also makes and awesome yelling face when he pitches.  The man has mastered the art of throwing the softest pitch in baseball while making a face as if he was throwing the hardest pitch in baseball history.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Larry Smith: The Hills Are Alive With Mets Song Parodies

Spring Training is in full swing and many of you are already catching baseball fever.  The Apple's Larry Smith must have the fever because he feels like singing.  Now keep in mind youngsters the last time Larry watched The Grammys the best new artist award went to Strawberry Alarm Clock. (Google it kids) So naturally what he calls "pop music" comes from the Sound of Music soundtrack.  Anyhow, he's been running through fields, dodging Nazis and signing about his favorite things. 

Sing along to his song if you know the melody.  If you don't know, go here first and then enjoy a few of Larry Smith's "Favorite Things" after the jump.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Mystery Solved: Mets Admit To Getting Dressed In The Dark

For years, the apparent randomness of the New York Mets' uniforms has been an issue with fans. Virtually no one who follows the team has been without opinion, and every Mets-centric message board, web site, and blog (UniWatch and MetsPolice among the most vociferous) has been swamped with voices decrying the seemingly infinite combination of caps, sleeves, and jerseys worn with no rhyme or reason.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sneak Peek: Citi Field In MLB The Show 11

I'm going to be traveling this weekend so updates will be few and far between but I wanted to pass this along.  If there's one thing I love more than making up the news it Sony's amazing baseball video game MLB The Show. The 2011 edition comes out this week.  Here's a peek at how Citi Field looks in the new game.  Please forgive Beltran in center and Luis at 2B.  Sony will fix that in the first roster update once teams actually set their rosters.  The video comes from our friends at Operation Sports who are posting lots of videos from the game on their Youtube channel so make sure to check them out. 

Shunned By MLB/Banks, Wilpon Turns To Scalpers For Money

Boy I'm sure glad that Fred Wilpon has assured us numerous times that that little Madoff diversion was not going to impede "in any way" how the Mets will be run.

In recent days we have learned of the $25 million loan given the team by Major League Baseball. And just recently MLB has said "no mas" to the idea of lending the club even more money.

Is It Safe: Would You Let A Yankees Fan Operate On Your Mouth?

I got a funny email from Larry Smith this morning that I wanted to share with you guys:

The Apple Has Uncovered The Formula MSG Used To Make "Summer Of 86"

After being incredibly disappointed by MSG's Summer of 86, I decided to do some digging into the project.  While sifting through the dumpsters at MSG I was able to find this Venn Diagram which was apparently the blueprint for the show. 

Attached was a post-it note that said, "Lincoln giving us 10 grand to make this.  Slap something together for a grand and we'll blow the rest on coke and whores."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Happy Birthday Kevin Burkhardt!

The Apple would like to send out warm birthday wishes to our favorite target, SNY's own Kevin Burkhardt.  Happy Birthday Kevin.  We weren't sure what to get you to mark the occasion so we reached out to one of your co-workers and he helped us come up with something.  Enjoy your cake Kevin.  We dare you to ever look at cake the same way again.
 

MLB Adds Charlie Sheen To List Of Banned Substances...Ronny Paulino Tests Positive

The MLB held an impromptu press conference on Wednesday morning to announce that they have decided to add Charlie Sheen to the official list of banned substances in baseball.  League officials touted the move as an effort to stay ahead of the ever evolving world of performance enhancing drugs.

Non-Fiction Post Of The Week: Selfish Beltran Selfishly Helping Team

Randy are you seriously linking another Ted Berg article?  Are you on drugs?  Well guys, I am on a drug... and that drug is Ted Berg.  The guy just wins.  Today he wins by doing something too few members of the NY sports media ever do...using common sense.  For his rational take on the Mets new right fielder read Beltran selfishly punishing Digital Domain scoreboard

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Beltran Denies That Move To Right Was Motivated By Selfish Desire To Be Closer To Fried Seafood

Carlos Beltran is being hailed by Mets fans a media this week as team player after he announced yesterday that he would change his position to accommodate his more mobile teammate Angel Pagan.  For Beltran, it marks the first time in a long time that Mets fans are viewing him as having a "team first" attitude.  Unfortunately, a new report by the website FanGraphs seems to suggest that the former center fielder may have had a more selfish reason to change positions.

Mets GM Sandy Alderson Not Ruling Out Trading Collins/Himself

The baseball world is all abuzz about the gleeful upbeat organized training camp Terry Collins has run for the Mets. His players have taken to his stewardship admirably and they seem to like their weekly bowling outings so much that Ike Davis says he might actually start sticking his fingers into the ball next time.